As I was watching the ground from the 20th floor, a funny taste slipping between my teeth. I rubbed the front teeth with my tongue, trying to brush it off. “I should do something useful today.” Took a little glimpse towards my laptop but immediately shrugged it away. I unlocked my phone, opened Evernote and started writing this.

I smelled like yesterday’s liquors, sweats and cigarettes. My hair was oily on the roots, unruly with split ends, getting bigger as I breath like it has a life on its own. A slight smell of puke struck my nose as I was opening my mouth, putting another cigarette in the corner of my lips. “Where is my mouthwash again?” I wondered.

My mind was wandering off, slowly leaving my body and brought me into silence till I can hear my own heartbeat. “I’m starving.”

Isn’t it funny that we always try to manipulate our mind, to stop thinking about something by suggesting another piece of thought? I grabbed a piece of bacon with my hand, tore it into two pieces, dipped it in egg yolk before putting it into my mouth. Licked each finger clean.


You always know that there are some corners that you can’t reach. Some desires left unfulfilled. Some feelings. Some itches. Irrational urges. Maybe to suddenly jump from this window? Or steal something from the gift shop? Is it to kiss a stranger? Or simply use these bacon-smelled fingers to masturbate without washing it first?

What is the price that I have to pay to have a little bit of taste of everything without having to face the consequences? What does it take to fulfil each desire, each curiosity? The thought constantly put me in this place. My brain immediately shouted “Oh here we are again.”

I’ve been in this crossroad before. It’s a different road, branching into two, multiplying into thousands of endless possibilities. I’ve been in the same crossroad. Not this one. But exactly like this one.

The familiarity gave me anxiety but comforting at the same time.


I want to travel all of these roads like I have all the time in the world. I want to feel every happiness, sadness, disappointment, orgasm, emptiness, heartbreak— everything. I want to be in every moment at the same time.

And will it eventually make me h̶a̶p̶p̶y̶ feel alive?

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